These past couple of weeks have been a doozy for us when it comes to sleep. We had a couple of good weeks while I was starting to sleep train Theodore, but that is now a distant memory. He went through a growth spurt or his 3rd leap and started waking up every 2 hours to eat or snack. Since then, he’s been more or less keeping to that schedule which has been super tough on me. By the time he’s done eating I can expect him to wake up the next hour to do it all again.

Daniel has been helping me on the weekends by bringing him to this parent’s house on Saturday mornings so I can catch a few extra hours of sleep and sleeping with him Saturday nights, but that isn’t really enough. He has also been away for work some nights during the week so that means I’m on 24/7.

Even if I had the luxury of many hours of undisturbed sleep, it wouldn’t do much good since my sleep schedule is all screwed up. I will wake up every 2 hours automatically and up at 5 AM or 6 AM to start the day. Needless to say, I’m running on fumes and desperately trying to catch up on naps during the day while he’s napping.

This past week we had a better time with it, but he’s headed into another growth spurt and his 4th leap, so I am preparing myself for more sleepless nights and a fussy baby. And as I write this through my sleep deprived mind I can’t help but to smile.

Some nights in the wee early morning hours while I lay awake unable to get back to sleep I just watch him. I watch the way he breathes and how his little nose twitches. I watch him as he dreams and wonder what he is thinking about and if we are in his dreams. He often giggles in his sleep so I know he’s a happy baby.

When he wakes up for the day he always greets me with an ear to ear smile. He coos and squeals at me and I tickle his belly and smother him with kisses. He laughs up at me and reaches for me with his little fists and sometimes he holds my face in his hands. He stares straight into my soul and I forget that I’m running on empty. He fills my heart and soul and with so much love that I can run forever. He doesn’t care that Mommy had no sleep, has bags under her eyes or that her hair looks like a bird’s nest. He doesn’t stop to think that Mommy is always topless because his constant feedings have left her raw and in pain. All he sees is Mommy is there smiling back down at him ready to start another day of fun and adventure (or at least I hope).

The hardest part sometimes is seeing how quickly he is growing and it happens overnight. Some mornings I wake up and notice he’s heavier, his face is changing, or his body is now half the length of mine. As hard as these sleepless nights are, it’s harder to think that soon he won’t be a baby much longer. He won’t need to wake up to eat, he won’t need me to comfort him the same way and that makes me so sad. So although this time is really tough and I’m a walking zombie, I know this time is short and I’m trying so hard to never forget the beauty of these moments because soon they will be the past.